Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
