He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
