I wish my penis had an off switch
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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