My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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