The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
