She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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