i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
