this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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