I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
