I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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