Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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