I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
