Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
this must be what syphilis tastes like
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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