Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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