And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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