its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
