When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
