I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
