apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
