I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am available for nakedness
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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