I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
