I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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