I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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