I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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