If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
