dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
