You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
