Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
