dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
