Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
