dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
