Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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