You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
