Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
