im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
