Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
