My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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