She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
