I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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