Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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