I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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