I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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