fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
