sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
