how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
