Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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