He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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