He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
