I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
