yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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