Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
