Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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