upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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